election

Political Fit-ness Corrected

We’re into the home stretch, the last few minutes of the campaign game. Political commentators are digging deep, bloggers fingers are aching, party leaders faces are trembling with the strain of forced smiles and niceties. Sweat trickling slowly from some others red faced and leaking like oil from a beached whale. What can I add? Not much except some suggestions for last minute training and conditioning that each party could do to get them across that line in the best shape on the 20th. So I will pull no punches but maybe a few push ups and offer up some shape up suggestions. Some will escape my net, I’ve cast it narrow due to creative licence which I only just passed.
Let’s start with probably the smallest most invisible party The Money Free Party. Moving to a resource based economy is a big leap of faith. Get into some plyometrics to help with springing this concept into action. Maybe a bit of old school calisthenics care of the Bar Brothers. It’s lean, mean and natural. Even if you get no-where you’ll be in great shape. Colin Craig deserves his own spot here. The conservatives are holding their own. But Mr Craig does need to loosen up a bit…ok…a lot. Aerobics, yes nothing wrong with a bit of lycra, followed up by a sauna after and a deep tissue massage to get rid of those deep knots. I know a great guy who can help you out Colin.
New Zealand First and Mr Winston Peters apparently has something called ‘common sense’. You know I think a good session of crossfit might help this party with gaining a sense of diversity and variety of other perspectives. What about Act. Well they do like their one size fits all approach and nothing ‘too taxing’ so let’s accommodate that. Aqua-jogging or aqua-aerobics, they like to make waves or at least storms in tea cups.
I’ve been a stymied a bit by a Wii problem with the Internet Mana Party combination. But some (re) boot camp and lots of crawling under barbed wiring should get their heads out of the Cloud. Which reminds me I haven’t mentioned Mr Peter Dunne of United Future who’s been spinning his wheels on legislation around legal highs might like to sit on a spin bike for a while and stare at a board of statistics around huffing, while huffing and puffing himself.
Getting to the business end and the Greens need a sense of direction I feel. So it’s orienteering for you and a chance to put that dual leadership to the test don’t get lost in the wild blue yonder Metiria and Russel the view might look good but all sorts of nasties lie beneath the surface. Labour oh you are in for a treat. I’ve got a couple of options running through my head. Pole dancing immediately springs to mind as well as pole vaulting. I’d be leaning toward something that has an edge of agility and trust so a bit of sport climbing could work here as it could improve communication as well as reminding the leadership of what looks like a good grip can quickly slip away.
Last and definitely not least National seem to have it all worked out don’t they with Teflon John at the helm. I think National should head to the sea for some deep blue contemplation and fine tuning. Anyone remember a boat race  last year that looked like a ‘done deal’? Keep grinding and trimming National you’re not there yet! They might also consider some big wave surfing over a shallow reef of reality for many kiwis called poverty and other disenfranchised and silenced minorities. Genuine hard-ship is driving this wave and watch out for ‘the green room’ it could close out any time.
Finally – don’t forget to cool down when all is said and done, our democracy might not be perfect but we have the freedom to vote without fearing for our lives in NZ let’s keep some perspective. So remember to exercise your vote.

Electile dysfunction

Election year is kind of like going for a medical check up I would rather avoid but know it will roll around eventually. So kicking and screaming internally but with a smile on my face (possibly a grimace at some point) I will do what I have to do and exhale with relief once its over.

I’m probably not alone in my irritation with election foreplay which really resembles a stag or hens night under the guise of a pot luck dinner at your Grandparents place. Can’t put the two together? Well that’s exactly how I feel about what I’m seeing and hearing. The mud slinging and obsequious posturing of politicians of ALL parties is like listening to pre-schoolers before Christmas bartering with their parents and Santa, pulling out the perfect manners when it counts then shoving their siblings head down the toilet the next.

I suggest a new election format. People should be asked randomly to cast their votes in any year – randomly, no warning – vote now or not at all. No road side signs, ugh they are an eyesore and waste of building materials, potential shelters for the homeless though, free supplies. Not sure I’d want to be under some of those faces…ugh…genuine body shudder. Finally policies that are campaigned on, that people vote for, should be binding or at least they should have some transparency (HA!) these policies are ‘rock solid’, these ones not so much and these ones are just liquefaction.

Deep breath in…and out…nearly done.