Free to be in-dependent

Like many kiwis I have blood ties to the United Kingdom and even fly the Welsh flag at the odd rugby game, because quite frankly it’s much more exciting sitting with Welsh/British Lions supporters than All Black fans. Why is it that no matter how much we win by spectators always look like they’re at a funeral and that’s not just the black attire.

I’ve been a bit non-preoccupied with our own elections this Saturday but am a little more interested in Scottland going for independence in just a couple of days. Again plenty of others with better credentials can offer insight to the political, economical, social and cultural complexities of such a move. But at a deeper, personal level I understand the striving for a unique identity. We’ve been toying with the same possibility for a while.

There are some obvious difference between what is happening in the UK and the Antipodes. But should we ever become concerned that moving toward independence might be met with serious resistance let me set forth a strategic plan of such cunning and ingenuity it could only be made from number 8 wire in a shed.

For a start there is a lot of water between us and anywhere else, even that large land mass to the west. Getting here requires effort and that in itself is a deterrent. But let’s say someone tries the water route. Try landing anywhere on a surf beach in NZ and you’d have to make it through territorial local surfers protecting their patch. If they try coming in from the air it’s likely the scenery would capture pilots attention so much that by the time enough selfies had been taken they’d be half way to Australia, the Antarctic or South America. If they did make land fall, they would have to navigate our roads. It’s not just they are narrow and gyroscopically winding, the road signs make no sense so anyone trying to read a map will have no idea where they are. If they dare think they’ll beat our traffic on bikes they won’t last 5 minutes before experience PTS.  Then there is the weather, perhaps our greatest natural defense. Landing in the middle of summer it will likely be snowing and freezing.

But I reckon we have home field advantage that could add to some psychological warfare. Pump out Dave Dobbyn long enough and the exodus will create enough offshore wind those surfers will gladly let them through. If we could breed Weta to be the size of rodents or cats that is an image only a hardened entomologist could love. If all that fails we will simply torture them asking ‘so what do you think of New Zealand? Have you been here yet? They will not understand the answer to everything is ‘yeah na’ that stands for affirmative and negative depending on the intonation. Finally a decent Haka would do the trick.

Let’s remember that from space there are no painted lines and no up or down. In space no one can hear you scream, but on earth freedom sounds like ‘FREEEEEDOM’!!!! And Wetas should always be screamed at.

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